Nothing . . . absolutely nothing raises the ire of my lifelong friend and childhood hero more than a school bus drive around. He claims to have once been a school bus driver, but in reality, he merely borrowed one on our 5th grade field trip. Nevertheless, that experience created a sense of fellowship with all pupil pilots, so if he ever sees a stop arm violation, he goes “Toby Dawn” on the driver. He puffs up. He stretches out. He gyrates, waves his arms in the air, and screams like an injured cat. Picture our tall, red-headed Toby Dawn hollering like a fool in the middle of the road at the lowly offenders. “You gotta get their attention, Tommy Boy!”
People occasionally allege that Toby Dawn is fictional, but I assure you that nothing is more real than a wacky waving Toby Dawn defending a school bus. And if it reminds you of something you’ve seen at local used car dealers and tax preparation offices, that’s because Toby Dawn McIntyre modelled the original inflatable flailing tube man. He reportedly even earns a commission from every single one, which might explain why he has been so excited about the recent NOPE movie that features so many Toby Dawns flailing about in the field.
Every August, however, he makes cameo appearances in school districts across the nation whenever some absent-minded driver commits a stop-arm violation. He leaps into traffic and violently waves his arms and shouts. Air horns. Confetti poppers. Silly string on the windshield, and occasionally, roman candles. Kids on the bus love it, but it terrifies the drivers, and not necessarily the bad ones. “Sometimes, things get out of hand when I’m strobing,” he confesses. (Strobing is Toby’s term for his wacky, waving arm display. Oddly fitting.)
Toby is the first to admit, however, that a giant Irishman strobing in the middle of the road is not the best solution for drive-arounders. “I ain’t Santa Claus; I can’t be everywhere, Mr. Superintendent.” (He refuses to accept that I have returned to the classroom.) Nevertheless, he has a brilliant solution: install a giant, wacky waving arm Toby Dawn on each school bus. Whenever someone breaks the sacred cheese wagon code, a menacing tube man inflates to frighten and intimidate offending motorists.
He has formally proposed his giant inflatable tube man several times to the National Transportation Safety Board as the ultimate deterrent for drive-arounds, but the NTSB keeps rejecting it. Thankfully, his other idea – replacing the stop arms with a giant chainsaw – has been rejected, too. Toby understands that many school buses now have cameras, but “Either a giant Toby or chainsaw would stop this overnight,” he claims. Toby’s not wrong; we need something dramatic to protect kids from stop-arm violators. Maybe something in between Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Gumby. I wonder if school districts just couldn’t post the videos online?
I cannot imagine anyone purposely driving around a loading or unloading school bus, but I shudder at the possibility of a kiddo popping out. It’s the sort of thing that keeps bus drivers (and Toby) up at night. Thankfully, school buses are the safest form of transportation on the planet . . . inside the bus. Drivers speeding around the bus are another matter, so as school starts this year, let’s imagine a giant Toby Dawn McIntyre in the road. If the flashing lights don’t get your attention, a wacky waving McIntyre might. Nevertheless, he cannot be everywhere, so until the NTSB installs menacing inflatable tube men on all school buses, we must be uber careful. Drivers keep kids safe on the inside; we must keep them safe on the outside.
Hopefully, next time you see an inflatable flailing Toby Dawn, it’s at a car dealership. Meanwhile, please pray that the NTSB keeps rejecting at least one of Toby Dawn’s school bus drive around solutions, and please pray for the safety of our students this Second Sunday of the month.
Tom Deighan is a public educator and author of Shared Ideals in Public Schools. You may email him at deighantom@gmail.com
